What A Journey…

As we approach the beginning of a new academic year, we are delighted to include a blog from one of our colleagues Lynn Esslemont about her experience of being a TA student.

What A Journey…

When the two Fionas invited me to write about my experience of being a trainee for the Physis blog I was both honoured and perplexed. Honoured that my ramblings continue to be of interest to others and perplexed as to how to concisely condense fours years of training onto a page or so of text. Thank you both for the opportunity and the challenge.

My previous experiences of education and training have been merely a series of tick box exercises and jumping through hoops. Something to endure rather than to embrace and enjoy. While there has been an element of that this time around, in terms of coursework and other practical requirements, there has also been a whole other part of the training process which I wasn’t quite prepared for. I have shared in previous blogs for Physis how I got started on my TA journey so I will not repeat myself here. I will only restate that since the fire started there has been no turning back. There have been times when I doubted my ability and desire to do the work. There were other times when I felt certain that working towards CTA and TSTA was my ultimate goal. Through these ups and downs, highs and lows, there has emerged a certainty.

The certainty is not that I am becoming the perfect therapist, nor is it around the end goal. My certainty is simply that I am on a path, and I am heading in a direction. In times gone by this would have freaked me out; no certainty, no end in sight, endless work. Today, however, I am liberated in my ability to trust the process and have faith in my journey. This has become a bit of a mantra among myself and many of my fellow trainees, often with the F word eloquently slipped in for maximum impact! I would like to note that I am not wandering aimlessly along the path. I still have thoughts and ideas about my destination and the direction of my path. These ideas ebb and flow, linger and leave and come round again in different guises. As my supervisor is always keen to remind me “all things are possible”. There is also a wee part of me that wonders if this has all been an elaborate exercise in self awareness and personal development. That too will be ok.

For me, the real work of the training process has not been in the academia of it all. It has been in the self awareness, the pain and discomfort, the emotional work, the breakthroughs and the aah moments, the growth, the tears and the joy. The real work is in the connection with others. Being part of an intimate group of people who have been so generous and courageous. Who have been willing to see and be seen. Who have shared themselves throughout the journey. Friendships forged in fire, like anchors, which provide safe harbours in stormy seas. I have never experienced anything quite like it. What a journey!

If I may be so bold I would like to leave you with my first ever pantoum. A poem written as part of my ending process during my final training weekend. The words used were selected from a page of free writing about my thoughts and feelings at the end of this particular part of my journey. Little did I know at the time how perfectly they would sum up my experience of being a trainee, of being part of both the Physis family and the wonderful world of TA.

Becoming Me

I am more me
Generosity
Transformative
Awe

Generosity
Courage
Awe
Connected

Courage
Transformative
Connected
I am more me